How Do You Improve Adult Family Relationships

 

Family is where you need to learn and should have been taught how to think for yourself, express yourself, and how to be confident that what you think may be the right way to go.  Instead, many of us learn that speaking up against a family member or not going along with the family as a whole is disloyal and that that equates to “You don’t love me.”  Not feeling loved by a family member can be traumatic. Not only do you suffer a great deal from this rejection, you are likely to become alienated from other family members to the extent that you have none left.  I’m talking about aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents.  You will also acquire an increased amount of anxiety, especially when a family member emotionally attacks you if you attempt to disagree. You can forever exist in an “underdog” position or you can do something about it.

DEVELOPING A STRONG SENSE OF SELF

Be happy with yoursef with no regrets.Loyalty to family members who “gang” up on you results in a lower, unhealthy differentiation. That is so unfair! You definitely don’t feel good about yourself. But it is something you can control. I wrote about differentiation in a previous post but wanted to explain it in more detail.  Cami Osten says it best,  a “high level of differentiation means a strong sense of self.”  When you are able to take actions that you are comfortable with, not because you are being coerced, and that are in the family’s best interests, you are using your intellectual skills and displaying confidence.

When I was an undergraduate student at the University of Florida, taking my first class in the upper division, a graduate-student instructor asked the class to individually propose three improvements for the campus.  I stood up feeling confident that I had three good ones, and after I presented each, she would put them down.  Yes, I was devastated, feeling shame and embarrassment in front of my fellow students, and I was extremely disappointed in this type of treatment.  I chose to react this way, but I did not know that then.  A healthier reaction would have been thinking that she didn’t know what she was talking about and that she had not learned how to communicate to students. I am happy to report that as time progressed, all three ideas were implemented—not as a result of my introducing them, but because they just happened to be good solutions to the problems that I had identified.

Ask the right questions the right way.So, what were the instructor’s options that might have resulted in a better outcome for me and for the other students?  She could have asked, “How did you arrive at that conclusion?” Or  said, “That is a solution that might work.” Or she could have offered her own solution to the problem by saying, “How do you think this solution would work.”  Truth is that she probably lacked a solution.  Had my level of confidence been higher, I might have said, “I regret that you don’t think my ideas would work.  Do you have any of your own?”

We expect teachers to be leaders, just as we expect parents to be leaders and teachers.  I was 30 years old at the time, married with two children, and I later analyzed her behavior and decided that she might have had many problems with her own mother and without thinking recast me in the unenviable position of a substitute mother.  Whether or not that was true I will never know, but it sure as heck made me feel better!  And that is an example of alternative thinking.

Enjoy your family.

GETTING ALONG WITH FAMILY

Alternative thinking is a great solution to practice when you are offended by a family member.  This is really another way of giving the person the benefit of the doubt.  We don’t always understand what is behind their way of thinking, but it is good to imagine and consider it.  It can be healing.  Have a conversation with yourself:  Did I really understand what the person was saying to me?  Was she trying to be helpful or mean?  What else could she have meant?

Learning to express yourself whether in your family or not is something that should have started there, and I covered how to do this on my Aging Gracefully page.

Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening.     

Emma Thompson

What is a healthy disagreement?Healthy Disagreement.  Disagreement does not mean hate, does not mean disrespect, and does not mean superiority.  People who chose to look at disagreement in this manner are close minded, to say the least, and a person with a highly developed sense of self does not view disagreement in this manner. This is a problem with communication.   If you have trouble communicating, practice disagreement by giving and receiving it, by learning how not to overreact to it and by understanding that disagreement is extremely healthy. If you discontinue relationships because of disagreement and an inability to communicate, you have committed a most egregious act to yourself and to others.  You have put others on the spot, causing them to be fearful around you.  We all need to be willing to say, “We can agree that we disagree” and move forward.  But sometimes it is just not that simple.

So, what are some good ways to disagree without offending someone?

Listen and make sure you understand what they are saying first.  Paraphrase by repeating back to a person what you understood him or her to say.  “Let me see if I understand…”    Listening shows respect, love, and the desire to want to understand what another person is thinking.

Be prepared with knowledge of the situation and the facts surrounding it.  This might require a little work on your part, like researching or talking to other people first to get an even better opinion.

Always lend credence to the other person.  Telling them that they don’t know what they are talking about is a good way to bring about harm. You have lost without going further.

Don’t yell and scream.  Calmly explain why you disagree and state that you have a different way of looking at it.

Both parties should either be sitting down or standing up unless one is in a position of authority.  Even if someone is in a position of authority, it helps to keep things on an even keel.  If you are the one initiating the conversation it is easier to assume the position the other person has.

Try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt.  Rather than say, “You did such and such,” say “I understand that you want to…” or “I wanted to express…” or “I feel…” “I know you meant well, but I…” or “I think differently about…”  That is your way of taking responsibility without accusing the other person of wrongful doing or thinking.  He may be right, or wrong, or just simply different!

Consider the results of immediate disagreement.  If you cannot freely communicate with another without fear of reprisal, be aware of this and consider what your response might be to reduce the friction.  Thinking ahead can save the situation if the other party gets upset.  “Maybe we need to have this conversation another time.” “I feel bad about upsetting you, but I think I am entitled to an opinion.”  This can be soothing to the other person and a way to gain agreement for you to continue.  Some people consider disagreement as immediate dislike for their person.  You are disagreeing with an idea, leaving the person intact.

 

SUMMARY

Armed with the knowledge that you can achieve the above results, you should be feeling very good about yourself right now. Practicing it will help you to feel more confident and will engender the respect you deserve.  Continue to set boundaries, when people don’t appear to know that you have them, and you will sail through abusive situations.  If you absolutely cannot achieve resolution with a particular person who continues to be a thorn in your side, it is okay to live your life without that person.  You will be so much better off.

“There’s folks you just don’t need. You’re better off without em. Your life is just a little better because they ain’t in it.”
William Gay

Please leave your thoughts in the Comments Section.  I would like to know if you liked the article and what suggestions you have for improving it.

 

8 Replies to “How Do You Improve Adult Family Relationships”
  1. I have this issue with my dad, unfortunately. In his mind the only right opinion is his. We have had some really big fights over the years and it’s mostly because I don’t agree with his opinion and he can’t see any other opinion than his own. I have learned to deal with this by talking about very light topics, the weather, gardening, etc. It’s almost impossible to have a health argument with him. I really try to steer clear of anything that will cause a big fight. I have really had to learn to bite my tongue. I usually know what response is coming before he even opens his mouth. I know that is probably not the most healthy way, but in my personal experience, that is what I have come up with that works. Do you have any suggestions for someone in my position, when the other person is pretty volatile?

  2. Hi,

    I love your site, I am an over 40 woman raising 4 children and am currently a homemaker. Although I chose to stop working outside the home, it’s hard. I struggle with a lot of issues. I currently decided to start and build my own on line bloging company, which really gives me my personal freedom. I am doing it for me and using my education. I love seeing that life doesn’t end no matter what stage of life we are in. My favorite page on your site in your bucket list. So many people have them and not so many do them. I have a list myself, but to see it the way you have displayed makes it real. Keep going I would be anxious to see your next adventure!

    • Thanks very much, Colleen.  You are right, life doesn’t end just when we think it might, and we should never allow getting older to provide us with an excuse to settle down to nothing.  I hope you are working on your bucket list.  I see two items on it already:  You are building your own blogging site and you are able to be at home.  My next adventure is to visit my brother and his wife in Colorado.  That is part of the “traveling” on my bucket list.

  3. I love your ideas for disagreements and this is something personally that I know I need to work on. I have a teenage son, and when we disagree, we kind of butt heads. Recently my older son came for a visit, and he noticed a few of our disagreements, and I was taken aback that he said I was the problem. So, I am going to really try and work on this. The biggest thing I think is giving my teenage son the benefit of the doubt. Great information!

    • That is a tough issue for many families. One suggestion would be to catch him in a good mood, approach him with something like, “Hey Dad, I’d really like to talk to you about a couple of things that I am feeling kind of discouraged about. I feel that you don’t value my opinion sometimes.” Older parents are definitely resistant to “suggestions” from their children. Of course, I don’t know your dad, and I am in no way trying to practice online therapy. You may have already hit upon the only solution for you and unfortunately are experiencing a superficial relationship, which may be better than none. Good luck.

    • Thank you for taking a look at my site and this post in particular. It is wonderful that you and your older son have a relationship where he feels comfortable in sharing his opinion. Even better, it sounds like you are using your listening skills!

  4. Wow!! this is a really unique and very important topic. i am single yet but I like this article for my future preference .. thank you

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