Solutions for the Lack of Sexual Desire in Women

The Enormity of the Problem

Sad and Embarrassed About Sexual DysfunctionAlmost half the women in the United States have reported problems related to sexual desire. When you consider that there are many uncounted women who have never reported their problems or participated in a study, that figure naturally increases. So, yes, at some time or another during her lifespan, one can safely say most women are likely to experience some form of sexual dysfunction, including loss of desire, inability to climax, and sexual arousal problems. This article proposes to address some solutions for the lack of sexual desire in women.

The causes of these problems fall into two categories:  physical health issues and psychological dysfunction. So what are some physical problems that generate sexual dysfunction?

According to the Mayo Clinic, heart problems, kidney failure, neurological problems, and cancer are among the disease processes that affect sexual desire. Hormones, such as lower levels of estrogen following menopause, may be responsible, and medications that include antihistamines, chemotherapy drugs, and antidepressants are often the culprits. If you are dealing with any of these issues, please contact your doctor. You will be surprised and grateful with most of the results.  

There are also any number of psychological causes including post partum depression, normal depression, anxiety, severe traumatic events, etc.  The important thing to remember is that there is usually a definable cause, which sometimes requires investigative work.  There are many questions to ask yourself when plagued with sexual dysfunction. Just asking them will often trigger a memory of something disturbing you.

  1. You Have to Ask the Questions!Are you inhibited by low self-esteem, guilt, or fear?
  2. Do you have a chronic disease that causes aesthetic problems with sexual activities?
  3. Do you feel embarrassed about your sexual behaviors?
  4. Are you troubled by any childhood experiences?
  5. Were you physically, sexually, or emotionally abused as a child or adult?

You must consider the health of your relationship and understand how that affects your loss of sexual desire.

  • What are your unfulfilled needs?
  • Are they realistic?
  • What are you doing about them?
  • Did you get married for the wrong reasons?
  • What anger issues do you need to resolve?
  • Is substance abuse part of the problem?
  • What are the reasons for the substance abuse?
  • Do you feel disillusioned about your mate?
  • Think about why he might be thinking the same about you.
  • Consider why you were attracted to your partner and why you are living together.

Other causes have been addressed by different authors.  

Many women are embarrassed or disturbed by their memories and don’t wish to revive them for the purpose of talking about them; however, that might be necessary in your case. Check off all of the above that apply to you and write them down in a journal as goals to work toward solving. Sometimes, just reading a book can be extremely helpful. The book, For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Barbach. 

Meditation for Real

Practicing mindfulness with yogaFor thousands of years, meditation has been used to deal with all kinds of problems, including anxiety, depression, other mental health issues and medical problems. Scientific evidence exists for a number of improvements with meditative techniques, including stress, ability to engage with others and use of empathy With the reduction of stress alone, you can see the implications for all related issues, such as lowering of blood pressure that can lead to improvement of existing heart conditions or prevention of the same. Stress has been found to be a factor in so many illnesses, both mental and physical, that it is always practical to employ the use of whatever is necessary to reduce your stress, whether it be exercise, diet, education, or meditation.

In a way, meditation is much like sex, which improves with practice. Additionally, both mindfulness and sex are stimulating and relaxing at the same time. Not only do they improve your self-esteem, they also improve your relationships with other people and your overall ability to be successful.

Meditation Techniques

There are endless areas where meditation can be effective. I would like to share some techniques you can use on your own that may be helpful in the resolution of some of your issues.

Breathing exercises are known to be helpful for a number of issues. In a quiet area, indoors or out, sit down and cross your legs. Try this for about three minutes—best to set an alarm rather than look your watch. Concentrate on your breathing. Breathe in slowly and thoroughly through your nose, hold your breath for a short time, and breathe out of your mouth.

At work, if you are unable to use your office, the restroom will work fine. You may skip crossing your legs since you will not be on the floor. Do this often throughout the day. Soon you will find yourself doing it automatically—but avoid if you are driving!

Meditate to Remove Stress

Throughout the day and when we awake at night, we have thoughts about things that disturb us and we want to do something about them. Some things we can resolve but doing something about others would most likely create additional problems. Even bringing it up would create a problem. For you, this is an unsolvable issue, but rather than dealing with it in some appropriate fashion, we continue to think of it, allowing it to drive us crazy, and get angry with the principals involved. In this same category we can include thinking about what we did that might have been wrong or if we hurt someone’s feelings or did we do the right thing. We are not only afraid of being judged, we are also afraid of judging. 

There are solutions for dealing with this type of thinking and the disturbing feelings it causes. One of the mindfulness exercises that might help:

1. Stop what you are doing and take several deep breaths. Focus on emptying your lungs and breathing in with your diaphragm. Notice those thoughts and the feelings that creep up—those that keep bothering you..

2. Observe these thoughts and feelings. Do not attempt to analyze, judge, change, or avoid them. Recognize them, speak to them, and accept them.

3. Do you notice that you feel any differently by just simply accepting the existence of these thoughts and feelings?

You will find other mindfulness exercises on YouTube. Of particular note are those by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a leader in the teaching of these exercises. Try this link to YouTube, where you will find many more videos: If the link fails, just copy and paste it.

Are Women Being Fair to Themselves and Their Partners?

It has been reported that even though numerous women experience or have experienced loss of sexual desire, less than a fourth of them have stated that as being a problem. Loss of sexual desire does not bother them. Some partners use this as an excuse to avoid sexual relations because they are overweight or are not up to par in other areas and don’t see themselves as being attractive. Others may be engaged in affairs and cannot maintain more than one relationship. I could go on, but the fact is that whatever the reason, their refusal to talk to their doctors or participate in counseling to resolve the issue is questionable. Sadly, loss of desire is too easily used as an excuse not to engage in sexual relations with one’s partner, and the partner is all too often treated as if he or she is abnormal because they fail to understand this or simply don’t appreciate being treated this way.

Why should they? First, this might sound harsh but this behavior is a good example of antisocial, behavioral problems, where the partner lacks concern about the psychological consequences on her partner. She would do well to ask herself how she would feel if rebuffed for the same reasons. It is evident that she is maintaining a façade about the relationship and has no reason for wanting to repair it. 

Second, feeling unwanted, the abused partner is likely to enjoy the attention of someone else who shows them that they are still attractive. No, this is not justifiable behavior but it is predictable. This causes unwanted marital problems, or does it?  When questioning the behavior of a woman who does not seek help with sexual dysfunction, one wonders if she is just waiting for an excuse to blame the partner to avoid receiving the blame.

Third, it is unfair and detrimental for the marriage and the family for someone exhibiting problems with sexual dysfunction to refuse to seek professional help, not only for herself but for her partner. A problem of this magnitude can affect any involved children who have the ability to pick up on any family discord.

Last, it would be inappropriate not to address the cost of professional help as a factor for many.  So, let me say that there are pastors available to help and there are mental health organizations in most communities that have a sliding scale pay plan based on income.  Please look into these.

What Else Can I Do About This Problem?

Write in your journal the positive aspects of yourself, your accomplishments, your skills, and your hobbies. Note how they have contributed to your self-image. Just looking at these will provoke memories of “I can” and “I did” and serve as reminders that you can achieve what you want.

I am not saying here that all sexual problems can be resolved, but I want to reiterate that it is extremely to discuss these problems with your partner, aned ask for help.  A visit to your local library, your doctor, or sometimes with a friend would be helpful. Therapy is also good and sometimes essential.

Journaling is Meditative and Therapeutic


There is every reason to work on increasing your sexual desire, including feeling better about yourself, learning why you are having the problem, and learning how to express yourself and your needs to your partner.

The best way to start is to be honest with yourself and partner. If you go the therapy route, be completely honest with your counselor. Most insurance policies allow visits to a counselor.

If you have other suggestions for dealing with these problems, please use the comments section below. Also use it for letting me know if this article has been helpful in some way to you.


The Many Facets of Successful Aging

Do you have the courage to make goals for your life–for tomorrow, next month, next year, and years from now–or are you waiting for someone else to do that for you? I am not just talking about financial goals.  I am including your health, happiness, and all of those other things that make up life–the many facets of successful aging.  Perhaps you are a dreamer and believe that everything will just fall into place for you?  

I am here to tell you that if you are waiting for someone else to fulfill all of your needs, you might consider all of the things that are likely to happen to that person. And then consider what might happen to you as a result. Yes, I know that many of you have prepared well, are enjoying your life, and can rely on having the means to age successfully.  But, most of us are not in that category.  Some of us did all of those things.


 Goal setting is essential to preparing for successful aging. 

Growing Old Successfully Takes Courage

Many studies have been done on this subject with varying viewpoints on what it means.  A review study captured data from a number of studies done during the period beginning 1902 through 2015. There were two different formats for determining what successful aging was.  The largest number of reports were based on what those who were aging had to say about their successes and what caused them.  These results can be significant, but it is important to note that when we are telling our story, we sometimes have a tendency to sugar coat it.  A smaller number was based on what researchers measured, using predetermined criteria–the predominant factors of aging.

For those of you who have older adults in your life, ask them what they believe contributes to their successfulness or unsuccessfulness with regard to aging.  They are likely to report that overall they feel contented and more accepting of themselves and that they are engaged with life.  But they are just as likely to report that their satisfaction is coming from staying fit, maintaining a good diet, and following doctor’s orders. Many now have time to help others, gaining huge satisfaction from their new roles.  The wisdom accumulated through their years was proposed as a major theme that became evident through the interviews of older people along with the information that seniors might benefit from assistance with gaining access to opportunities for greater social engagement and learning better ways of coping. 


Adventures are one of the facets of successful aging.


But things can change with the way we look at success.  Education, communication such as social media, medical science, cultural support, and other things as well have contributed to the study of successful longevity with significant impact. More of us are living to be over 100 years old. We will examine some of the many facets of successful aging in this article.  Why?  At 100 years of age, we want to feel that we are successfully aging! We want to know that there is more to come.


“It takes courage to dream, to face our futures and the limiting forces within us. It takes courage to be determined that, as we slow down physically, we are going to grow even more psychologically and spiritually. Courage, the philosopher Aristotle taught us, is the most important of all the virtues, because without it we can’t practice any of the others. Courage is the nearest star that can guide our growth. Maya Angelou said we must be courageous about facing and exploring our personal histories. We must find the courage to care and to create internally, as well as externally, and as she said, we need the courage ‘to create ourselves daily as Christians, as Jews, as Muslims, as thinking, caring, laughing, loving human beings’.”
― Bud Harris


The Many Definitions of Successful Aging

You can compensate for disability for successful aging.

Often used definitions of successful aging are presented in different forms of three criteria:  State of health and disability, ability to think clearly, and social engagement with others.  Not only do these imply, but others suggest that if you are disabled, have an incurable disease, or have a terminal illness that you are not successfully aging.  But, you see folks all the time in wheelchairs, using walkers or canes, or with visible signs of health problems, such as shaking, limping, or features suggestive of Down syndrome, mental retardation, neuromuscular disease, cerebral palsy, etc.  Are they aging successfully? Have we eliminated this segment of the population from the definition of successful aging?


For the most part, those in the latter stages of life have learned how to adapt and cope with the things they cannot change to have a successful life.  One study examined and recorded the attitudes of a group of men and women age 55 and older from various cultures who were disabled and learned that most of them were content with their lives and believed that they were successfully aging.  In addition, they recognized that those who may not be satisfied could be helped by clinicians who would use interventions appropriate to their culture that would promote successful aging.


Successful Aging is Different for Each Person


“Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.” John Glenn


Disability does not prevent working or successful aging.At a Walmart near me, I often see an extremely crippled, middle-aged man pushing a long line of grocery carts back into the store. He appears to be happy, as evidenced by smiles.  He is definitely enjoying his work.  And he is not totally dependent on other people if dependent at all. Is he aging successfully?  Of course, he would prefer to be made whole, but he is making the best of his life!



Some homeless can't work. Others can and do.Compare his success with that of a man who portrays himself as homeless and unemployed, sitting or standing on the corner where one enters the same Walmart parking lot.  I have observed this man, his companions, and their dog on many occasions, with two sitting in their car, taking turns holding the sign which asks for money. Are they aging successfully?  Can they change their future?  I don’t have the answers, but I can say that while they appear to survive, they do not appear to be happy.  

How often have you looked at the people I describe above with sadness or disdain?  For most of us, it is one or the other.  If so, maybe we need to take a closer and different look.  It is likely we will change our attitudes. No one should feel embarrassed about the way they look if they are the victim of an unfortunate birth, mental illness, or accident and lack the ability to smile.  On the other hand, those who pretend for the purpose of getting money are to be pitied.  They have no sense of personal responsibility for their own happiness.




Look at news stories about those the Tim Tebow Foundation helps.  Over 90,000 people worldwide participate in this event, and all that I noticed were happy.  Are they happy all of the time?  That is doubtful, but neither are we. One thing I am sure of is that they look forward to this annual event, as do the hundreds of thousands who prepare for and assist in its conduct.

The Many Facets of Successful AgingYesterday, I attended a luncheon to celebrate the birthday of my Sunday school class teacher.  We started talking about age. Many of us expressed ownership of ancestors who lived to be over 100 along with the hope that we might also live that long.  Seated across from me was a woman who spoke up, “I am 90 years old.” We were all surprised because she hardly looked 70.  She admitted to taking a baby aspirin a day (a blood thinner to prevent clots) and no other medications.  She was not the only healthy looking, aging woman in the room, and I was proud to see so many there who were happy with being who and where they were in life, regardless of evident disability in a few.


Are You Aging Successfully?

“You don’t stop laughing when you grow old, you grow old when you stop laughing.”
― George Bernard Shaw


Considering the subjective and objective opinions and measurements of the characteristics of successful aging, we can safely say that one can be disabled and be living successfully simultaneously, so the age-old definition as stated above is defunct and certainly out of place.

I have written about many characteristics of successful aging before, such as our appearance, self-image, sleep habits, employment, need for caregivers, mental acuity, education, finance, vacationing, and volunteering; however, I will be adding more to these and talking about new things.  Please see my blog for these.

It is important to note that worrying about being successful in your aging is not going to get you there.  You need to plan for it, but don’t look at it as planning to be old. Look at it as enjoying being older, as another extension or phase of your life.  Learn to accept those limitations that you absolutely cannot overcome.  Not doing so is futile.  Be the woman you want to be in your own way. Don’t ever stop laughing.  That will be your bet for successful aging.

I would like very much to hear if you have any comments on this post including your own experiences and how you are dealing with those.










Remove the Difficulty from Starting Over

Some people are blessed with not having to concern themselves with too much change in life. Everything has pretty much gone their way. Others might have gotten married and remained that way until one raised the question of divorce. Or one spouse lost another to accident or illness. Or the family lost a child. Maybe you lost a job. A new beginning for some followed a tumultuous life in one of the armed forces


Chess symbolizes the transforming of our mind.


where they served in a war-torn country with a possible loss of limb, brain damage, and fellow soldier, or the ability to return to a normal life without consistent medical care and or mental health treatment. Addiction is another issue that is touching families all over this country. How does one go forward from all of this? One learns to remove the difficulty from starting over! We learn to relish the opportunity. It is never too late, even when faced with a terminal illness.  Please do not infer that the above image means that life is only a game. Life is actually a series of games, plays, and choices to be made over and over. One day we lose and the next we win!

“It hurts, because we wanted a different outcome, but then we make it hurt even worse by creating a narrative around what happened. So, instead of creating that debilitating narrative, I think we’re better served realizing that now, we have an opportunity to pivot – to take our life in a different direction.”
Chris Hill

Going Forward

Start over with determination and courage.Yes! You can do it. You can take on a new and different armor by redefining yourself. So, you ask how? And no, it is not that simple. The first thing you have to do is to look at your situation as a definite opportunity for a new beginning and rejoice in that. Remember how it felt to get that job that was so important to you? That was the feeling of success! That feeling is always waiting for you especially when you fail at something.

Failure at anything is simply another opportunity for success. Yesterday you failed, perhaps through no fault of your own, and tomorrow you will achieve success. Remove all of that blame and guilt  and attach achievement to the situation. The next question is how am I going to go forward when quitting would be easier for me? Admit that you are

  • at an impasse.
  • going to put the past where it belongs.
  • ready to move forward and will use any help you can to get there.
  • sad for now but that you will get over it.

How to Move Forward


Death is different to each person, and it is almost impossible to accept one person’s instructions on how to deal with it. Your relationship with the individual largely determines this. Most of us have friends and other family members who have been in this situation,  and these are the ones we are most likely to turn to. Very often, they think that they have all of the answers. Unfortunately, well-meaning people think they know what you are going through. Some ways to avoid this are:

  • If you do have a friend or relative who listens without giving a lot of advice, that would be a good person to speak to.
  • If you are a religious person, get some recommendations for pastors or other church leaders to speak with.
  • Seek organizations that have a grief sharing meeting on a scheduled basis.
  • Seek counseling. Some counselors see clients individually and conduct a grief group.
  • Ideas are produced for starting over in journals.Audio books can be helpful and are much easier to listen to than to read.
  • Start a journal about your loved one. Define the relationship you had. If it was a great one, write why. Include some pictures of the two of you together. If not always a pleasant relationship, write about that as well, but add why you’re struggling with that. If you wish, write about all of those things you feel guilty about. When finished, you hopefully will want to ask yourself for forgiveness and let it all go, remembering only the good things. When you are tempted to revisit your guilt in this relationship, also revisit your request for forgiveness.

“Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here’s what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it’s still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it’s been too long since you missed them last.”

Kristin O’Donnell Tubb, The 13th Sign


Downhearted following job loss. Move on with determination.Losing a Job

Whether it be because you had to quit or because you were fired, the results can be the same. Our identities can easily get wrapped up with our job sometimes. Losing a job can be similar to experiencing death; however, it can also be invigorating if you were having difficulties on the job. Regardless of the reason, try looking at it as an opportunity for starting over.

“There is something beautiful about a blank canvas, the nothingness of the beginning that is so simple and breathtakingly pure. It’s the paint that changes it’s meaning and the hand that creates the story. Every piece begins the same, but in the end they are all uniquely different.”

Piper Payne

Consider starting something new when looking for a job. Constructing a resume to include all the things you are capable of that can be applied to a workplace can be very helpful. Apply for as many as possible, even those that seem to be a stretch. Often, the job scenarios are standard and don’t really depict the position accurately. Look forward to the new you. Maybe it’s the person you always wanted to be. Maybe it is the fulfillment of a goal to be someone you would be happy to settle for now.

Fear runs our lives. It doesn’t matter who you are. You have to understand your relationship with fear. Whether you’re scared of getting into a relationship; or taking the new job; or a confrontation – you have to size fear up. Chris Pine

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Life After Traumatic Injury or Illness
If you learn that you have a terminal illness, take a close look at the many who have gone before you, especially those brave men in politics like John McCain, Ted Kennedy, etc. They fought a brave fight doing what they loved best, helping others. The following also faced death and did so with dignity, courage and resign: Elizabeth Edwards, Patrick Swayze, and Steve Jobs. And then there are those who are suffering from Huntington’s Disease, Parkinson’s Disease, and Alzheimer’s. You know who they are and you see them fighting. Most of these people had or have hope–the kind that hopes for the ability to make every day count in some way.

A comment from an NIH project report:

“I just keep putting one foot in front of the other and facing life as it comes to me. I don’t worry about dying. It’s coming and I just don’t want to rush it.”

Recovering from an illness or traumatic event is different. It becomes a matter of rediscovery, healing, acquiring new coping skills, and making huge adjustments. Your friends treat you differently sometimes. Please take a look at this short video for some perspective on what these people go through and learn how you might be helpful in their lives.


Most of us have faced some form of starting over in our lives for various reasons. And in no way should that be diminished. It happened, you have suffered, and the future is better than you think. Make it the most meaningful future for yourself and those around you. Be grateful for what you have had. If you are having problems now, look at your event as a blank slate, an opportunity to reinvent. Turn a sorrowful event into an enjoyable journey, improving your life and inspiring others. I did not cover divorce and addiction in this article but will address those in the future. My wish is that you will seek the help you need, whether it be from family, friends, organizations, church leaders, or mental health professionals.

“Sometimes life requires more of you than you have to give & demands you plunge into the reinvention of yourself if you truly wanna live.”

Curtis Tyrone Jones


I would like to hear from my readers, find out if they were helped by this article, and learn about their experiences with starting over. Please use the comment section below for these things and to make suggestions to others on this important subject.